A look into my past

When your young you beleive in the most silliest of things, like wishing on a star or on a rainbow, but after countless times of those dreams and wishes never coming true I gave up! For as long as I remember all I ever wanted in life was to be like every other 'normal' girl out there. Was that too much to ask for? School was the worst for me, especially when I went through the horrific and what I thought was disgusting puperty. Hair would grow in places I never knew it could grow, my voice dropped to a deeper more intimidating sound and not to mention the speedy growth of my 'downstairs mixup'. Adolesence can be traumatic for some, but for me this was torture! I hated my boyish looks to the point I wouldn't change for PE in the locker rooms like everyone else and would forge notes to the teacher from my mum with any old excuse to get me out of the class. Especially tormented by my genitals by the age of just twelve I started to rebel against everything and anyone.

Over the next few years I tried to live like a regular boy, but it was just soo difficult. Acting out in school and at home was a way I tried to cope with all the confusion. I started smoking cigarettes which then lead to drinking alot of alcohol and when that wasn't enough cannabis was my saviour. Telling myself no-one would understand me I pushed these strong feelings of being a woman aside and wasted my teens experimenting a bit too excessivley. It was when I got the the age of sixteen it became more clear to me that I had to do something to releive some of the stress and heartache from keeping this huge secret, so I told my pasrents that I was attracted to men. They came to terms with me being 'gay' however I think we all know I wasn't and to me I felt like a straight woman. Living life as a gay man seemed much easier at first, as people expected me to be a more feminine male, but after years of being in and out of relationships I started to understand that I was not going to be happy untill I sorted out this unpreventable issue on my shoulders. So at the age of 20 and after 4 years living as a gay male I took the massive and terrifying fist step on this journey of transition. Finally I could stop hiding within myself, I could finally breathe and stop killing myself over this, what I thought was a burden and I could start to live life the way I want! I would of never been able to pick myself off the ground if it wasn't for the incredible support network of other transpeople and friends around me.

So a word of advise for all those girls/guys at rock bottom, create your own support network of other transgirls/guys who you can relate to, and never be afraid to ask advise from them either! Keeping this kind of thing locked away will be the destruction of yourself so let it out, confide in someone and life will seem much better.

Love Hope xxx