I recently watched a film originally shown on Lifetime Television, A Girl Like Me: The Gwen Araujo Story. Gwen, born a boy, was a beautiful teen who knew she was and acted as a girl from early childhood, despite her mother's continuous interventions. The film culminates with Gwen's brutal murder and the trial of her murderers.

The film was emotionally wrenching, showing the conversations Gwen's murderers had before they beat her to death. A girl jealous of Gwen's beauty even egged on the hate of the young men who destroyed Gwen. They talked about some of Gwen's peculiar characteristics, such as her big hands and feet.

I am very lucky. While I am not the prettiest face on the block, being born intersex ensured that I did not develop so many male characteristics like big hands, an Adam's apple, or a prominent browridge. I have a woman's digit ratio and carrying angle. My wide pelvis now provides me a beautiful hourglass figure despite my weight. Even before transition or hormones, people started to address me as "Ma'am" in public. Children would publicly ask if I was a boy or a girl.

When I did finally transition, I did the healthiest thing I possibly could in becoming who I really am. Each day was an affirmation of the fact that I am a woman and my body was starting to reflect my inner reality in a very tangible way.

Before her assailants beat her to death, they pulled down Gwen's pants to confirm their suspicions as well as to humiliate her. Why are people so adamant in forcing their own ideas on others? Neither sex (the body's apparent gender) or gender (one's own self-identification and social role) are discrete binary categories. Sex is on a spectrum from male to female. Being born intersex, I fell closer to the male side of that spectrum. Other intersex people are born with completely ambiguous genitals or with an appearance opposite to the usual genetics.

Gender also falls on a spectrum, ranging from male to female. There are more than the two categories of man and woman: some people identify themselves as two-spirited, androgynous, bi-gendered or genderqueer. Other people have a gender which does not match their bodies, most feeling compelled to change their bodies to match who they are on the inside.

The question is often asked, why can't these people change their insides to match their outsides? The answer is that this is simply not possible: gender is inborn. Transsexual women have been shown to have women's brain structures and the fact that most have women's digit ratios demonstrates they were influenced by estrogen at a critical time in the womb.

Thinking that you can change a person's inner identity is like playing God and some researchers were brazen enough to think they could. The sad story of David Reimer is a case in point. Born a healthy male, a botched circumcision gave the doctors the opportunity to perform a sex reassignment surgery and have his parents raise him as a girl. This did not work. David was haunted his whole life with the conviction that he was a man, eventually transitioning to living as a man, marrying, and becoming a stepfather. His problems continued, finally ending in suicide.

David Reimer's story demonstrates that gender cannot be manipulated or nurtured but is an inborn trait. Assuming someone changes sex for any other reason than to be themselves is wrong. We are only trying to be true to ourselves and the way God has made us. No, God does not make mistakes but He does give us special challenges.

Neither Gwen Araujo nor David Reimer died in vain. Gwen's mother now speaks out and advocates for the acceptance of transgender individuals. David Reimer's story brought the rapid decline of infant sex surgery, then routinely done on intersex children.

What will it take for people to see that people are who they are? No one becomes transgender for any other reason than to be at peace. For the first time in my life, I can look in the mirror and not be repulsed. I feel so happy just to be me now.

Please don't assume things about people. Everyday people who see me assume I was born a woman. Those who know my history assume I have standard male parts when I don't. I did not even know my own status until I received proper medical attention. Let people tell you who they are. When people present themselves as a man or a woman (regardless of how well you think they "pass" as one), treat them as the gender they present.

Society and the expectations of others have made life for most of us who are different difficult and we usually pay an extremely high price just to be ourselves. Some transgender people don't make it and they destroy themselves. It is not necessary to examine other people, like one would when buying a horse, their hands, feet, or other characteristics to see if they pass muster. Sometimes, like a hard-shelled oyster, the real prize is inside where the pearl is found.

We need to learn to accept ourselves as we are. There is no need to change other people, but simply to accept them as they are. Life is a precious, wonderful gift and each of us can make life better both for ourselves and others.

Love,
Ila