So I found surgeons that I like and booked my surgeries. But of course this comes with its own pangs of nervousness, but not about getting the surgery- that I know I want and have known for at least 15 years, probably longer. What I think I am nervous about is whether or not I can handle the world and how people will continue to treat me. Perhaps I am simply afraid of transphobia in all its glorious forms (that was sarcasm). Well I suppose my social anxiety is probably playing a role in all of that.

My question to myself is, is this a normal fear to have? I mean the idea of being chopped up and inverted seems perfectly fine to me, in fact it seems wonderful. Maybe I am putting too much hope into the surgery and fear what will happen in my mind if it does not take away that feeling of having something alien, unwanted and downright uncomfortable attached to me? I like to think I have reasonable expectations, like I know I will always be trans and always face some degree of poor reactions to my mere presence. And yes perhaps I should be more confident in being trans but I am afraid to say I am not much of a fighter that way. I would prefer to blend in rather than do battle every day. I just don’t have the cycles for it that some trans girls and boys seem to have.

Okay I admit it’s not like I get jitters every time I think of the surgery. In fact, it hardly happens at all but when it does happen it kind of weirds me out. Why do I have no fear of being chopped up or any of the disastrous things that could happen with major surgery? I am certainly not afraid of dying. That would be at least peaceful. The idea of having to use a colostomy bag does not even bother me that much. Nor the months and months of spraying, suffering in pain, cleansing and re-cleansing everything four times a day, etc, - That all seems fine to me.

Maybe what it comes down to is that I am not even sure what I am nervous about. Is it generalized anxiety? Is it hope? Who knows, I am nervous sometimes and for some reason that bothers me. I don’t want to be nervous about finally doing what I have always wanted. But looking forward as a sailor might, Surgery Ho!