I re-encountered an internet meme going around that goes something like this,

My boyfriend told me I don’t deserve his love. Reaction: Your boyfriend is a sick bastard.

God Told me I don’t deserve his love. Reaction: God is Good.

My boyfriend told me I’m a depraved being and without him I couldn’t ever have a good life. Reaction: Your boyfriend is a sick bastard.

God told me told me I’m a depraved being and without him I couldn’t ever have a good life. Reaction: God is love.

My boyfriend told me I shouldn’t listen to anyone trying to separate us, and if I do leave him my life will be miserable. Reaction: Your boyfriend is a sick bastard.

God told me I shouldn’t listen to anyone trying to separate us, and if I do leave him my life will be miserable. Reaction: God is Wise

My boyfriend told me he is the only reason for me to live: Reaction: Your boyfriend is a sick bastard.

God told me he is the only reason for me to live. Reaction: God is merciful.

This is a calling for atheists to think god is a sick bastard or whatever. I realized immediately that God is not a lover. God is an authority figure, a parent if you will. So I replaced god with parents and what did I get? I realized that parents use those same lines on us. Not as explicitly perhaps, but they use them all the time. In fact, I have never met a parent that does not either say or behave as if their love is dependant on the child’s actions, although most parents will be in denial of this. I have yet to meet a parent that does not claim we need to take their advice or live their lives or else we wont be happy. I have not met any parent who does not claim blood is thicker than water or some variation of that. And I know no parent who does not instill the message they are the most important person in their child’s lives.

Disagree with me if you will, but at least consider these thoughts. Parents do not have to tell you that you don’t deserve their love to send the message that we have to be better to get their love/attention/praise/acceptance. Parents often claim that they love their children unconditionally, but their actions tell children the truth and often claiming one thing and saying another just confuses and torments the child’s mind. Children learn by actions far more so than your words.

The tragedy of all of this is not that parents are sick bastards but that this is what we do to ourselves. Since I have long thought that god is simply a reflection of ourselves, i.e. humans created god and because god was deemed to be perfect we created god in our own image. But now I realize there is something deeper there. God is a reflection of our parents, or leaders, our fears, and what comforts us. Simple rules are obviously comforting if we can conform to them easily (or if we can at least pay lip service to them easily).

But this opened a new door to me. How can we ever give up god if we cannot break out of these same ideas about our parents or our need for authority over us? Perhaps better said, how do we break from the need of a comforting simple authority figure unless we can face the complex relationship we have with our parents and ourselves? Do we need to break with our parents? No. Can we break with our parents if they are ‘sick bastards’? Perhaps we should. One thing I have learned from having a family and friends and coming out is that family needs to be held up to the same standards as the friends you choose.

Most of my friends left me whereas my immediate family stayed with me (yes I am a lucky, lucky bitch). But that does not make my message any less clear. Why do we stay with abusive boyfriends, abusive families, abusive friends? Why do we think others should dump abusive boyfriends and friends but not abusive families? What gives?